The Best

I’m probably not the smartest guy you’ve ever met. If I am, you need to meet more people. However, I do know one thing:

The 1990s were the greatest decade ever.

You want proof? Excellent. I’m a lawyer, so I like stuff like that. Here’s your proof:

“Saved by the Bell”

The Best

Honestly, that should be enough to settle any debate. However, here are a few more reasons why the 1990s were the best decade ever:

-It was cool to wear a Bugs Bunny shirt to school

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-The Nintendo 64. I could have sworn those graphics looked just like real life.

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WCW v. NWO v. WWF.  Mondays were awesome.

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-Epic TV shows like “Friends,” “Seinfeld,” and “The Fresh Prince.” Two of those shows are now on “Nick at Nite.” That makes me want to cry.

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-Oh, and “TRL.” I miss the days when seeing a thirty-second clip of your favorite music video was the highlight of your day. Seriously, that show was the peak of MTV and still the best thing that ever happened at 4pm.

-The 1990s graced us with songs such as “Gangsta’s Paradise,” “Getting Jiggy Wit’ It,” “Wonderwall,” “Waterfalls,” “Black or White,” “Wannabe,” everything Lauryn Hill did back then, “Baby One More Time,” “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life),” “Vogue,” “Jumper,” “Push,” “Sabotage,” “Ironic,” “One,” every Hootie and the Blowfish song, “No Diggity,” “California Love,” “Hypnotize,” “Iris,” “Don’t Speak,” “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” “1979,” “Mr. Jones,” every Boyz 2 Men song, and, of course, the greatest song in the history of the world: “Ice Ice Baby” (dum dum dum da da da dum)

-Oh, and “I Want it That Way.” That is the song of our generation even though no one knows what the lyrics mean. It’s that good.

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-In the 1990s, “TGIF” was more than just a phrase. I miss the 1990s.

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-“Beauty and the Beast,” “Aladdin,” and the “Lion King” were back-to-back-to-back Disney masterpieces. There would be a lot fewer wars, violence, and crime if we were all required to watch those movies each week.

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-The best movie in the history of the world was released in the 1990s:

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Nothing has ever captured my sense of wonder like “Jurassic Park.” Except for the Seven-Layer Burrito at Taco Bell.

[ Timeout: There are many more items to include, but it’s 1:00am. Thus, I’ll wrap this up soon. Time in. ]

Timeout

Finally, the 1990s were the best decade ever because we weren’t so obsessed with the internet. We were at the perfect point in the evolution of technology. An endless world of information was at our fingertips, but only at dial-up speed and if no one else at home was using the telephone. We no longer had to rely on Microsoft Encarta or World Book Encyclopedia to answer all our questions, but we couldn’t get an answer to every question within seconds. You had to work for it. Oh, you had a favorite song in 1997? Then go buy the CD for $20. Or if you were really tech savvy, you could download that bad boy on Napster or some other shady site while fighting through thousands of pop-up ads. There were no iPods or MP3 players. If you wanted to listen to a song away from home, you had a Walkman or Discman. Good luck using the latter when exercising. Today, we can download or stream a song within seconds from anywhere.

All these technological advancements are great things. However, it’s time for the old man rant. I miss the days when everything wasn’t so connected, so instant, and so constant. I miss the days when you would hang out with friends and family and you were hanging out with friends and family, not all the different people on their respective newsfeeds. I fear that we’re missing out on so many of life’s treasures because of cellphones. Magical things can happen when we’re focused on the people around us or when our minds are empty and open to the creative sparks that happen during times of mental silence. Instead, we often fill those moments by looking at a screen.

Zach Morris Phone

Wrestling with Life

My last few posts have been pretty serious. I’ve written about self-esteem, the death of my beard, and the power of our words. I really need to class this place up a bit.

It’s time to talk wrestling.

Not that silly mess they do in high schools, colleges, and the Olympics. Real wrestling. The good stuff.

Wrassling.

Wrestling with Life

Like any ’80s kid who wasn’t deprived, I grew up on WWF and WCW wrestling. My first experience with this noble art form was on a special night in 1982. First, it was deep in the barrio in Texas. Second, I wasn’t even born yet. My mom was seven months pregnant. Third, it was Christmas Eve. Thankfully, my parents had their priorities right and thought that was the perfect time to go to a semi-pro wrestling event. Despite my tiny limbs and feeble motor skills, I had my own personal royal rumble in my mom’s womb that night and she feared I was going to burst out of that dark and wet prison. Although I wasn’t born that night, my love for wrestling was.

Yes, it’s terribly cheesy and supposedly fake, but wrestling is an important part of my history. I grew up watching it with my dad and grandad. I spent hundreds, if not thousands, of hours playing wrestling video games with my friends. As an only child, I spent an equal amount of time having imaginary wrestling matches with myself. I usually won. In high school, a bunch of dudes would come over to my house for big pay-per-view events (one kid still owes me $5 from 1999…deadbeat). We’d have a great time watching our heroes while doing ill-advised moves on each other between matches. More “recently,” Amanda and I spent our first anniversary at WWE’s Monday Night Raw. I am terribly proud and terribly ashamed of that fact.

After decades of wrestling experience and two minutes of thought, here is the official list of the best five wrasslers ever.

Honorable Mention: The Rock. Hulk Hogan. Goldberg. Sable.

5. Stone Cold Steve Austin — Sike. Austin sucked. Total fraud. He’ll always be the “Big Blonde Machine.”

(Steve, if you are reading this, I’m kidding. You don’t suck. PS – Why does one of the “Hollywood Blondes” have brown hair?)

The Real Top Five…

5. The Ultimate Warrior — This guy taught us that you can succeed in life even if you don’t have a ton of talent.  All you have to do is be a little nuts.  This dude’s energy was amazing.  Thus, I proudly rock his shirt.  A lot.

Warrior

4. Tatanka — I was obsessed with Native American culture when I was ten years old. Thus, I loved Tatanka. A lot. His red mohawk was sick. If someone ever asks me whether I had solo wrestling matches that involved a Native American headress I owned, I will have to awkwardly walk away.

3. The Million Dollar Man — This dude had swag. He was the original baller. Plus, he came to my high school in 2000. And talked about Jesus.

2. Shawn Michaels — I’ve read three books over the past seven years. One of them was a Shawn Michaels autobiography.  I also saw him on a plane once. He was wearing a cowboy hat, as one should on an airplane. Most importantly, Shawn Michaels has the greatest theme song of any wrestler in history. Arguably, “Sexy Boy” is the greatest song in history. Anyone who sings the lyric “I’m just a sexy boy, I’m not your boy toy” AND wears spandex pants is a hero.

1. Bret “The Hitman” Hart — Other than Shania Twain and Justin Bieber, Canada isn’t very cool. Wait, NEVERMIND. BRET HART IS FROM CANADA. That makes Canada the coolest country ever. (Sorry, America.) Unsurprisingly, my favorite wrestler wore pink. He also had the illest outfits, the best technique, and the baddest finishing move. I’ve put so many dudes in the Sharpshooter over the years that I’m on TSA’s no-fly list. My wife may have been accidentaly put in it a few times too. If you don’t think that Bret Hart is the best wrestler, and maybe the best person, ever, you’re wrong.

Bye.