My Confession

This is probably an un-American and un-Christian thing to say, but I have to get it off my chest:

I think Christmas music is annoying.*

[ducks]

Sure, Christmas music on December 25th is fine. Christmas music on Christmas Eve is somewhat tolerable.  But listening to Christmas music during the other 363/364 days of the year is like watching Keanu Reeves try to act:

Painful.

My Confession

No one goes on sleigh rides.  No one eats chestnuts.  We watch football and eat Doritos. So stop singing about that ridiculousness.  I don’t want it to snow on Christmas.  That just makes taking the dog outside even more annoying. So stop singing “Let it Snow” unless you promise to stand around in the freezing cold for ten minutes while my dog tries to poop on some icy grass.  Does anyone know what a “noel” is?  Was there a Second Noel?  Why are we singing about a “Silent Night”?  A newborn baby would not be silent in the middle of a barn full of animals, dirty shepherds, and singing angels.  Finally, Mariah Carey is a liar.  She keeps on saying that “all [she] wants for Christmas is you.”  Forget that.  I want some shoes, some money, and some Panera gift cards.  If someone tries to give me “themself” as my Christmas present, we’re going to have issues.

Look, I don’t hate Christmas.  In fact, I love Christmas.  It is a special holiday that means so much to me because it is a beautiful symbol of the hope, love, and longing that God had for humanity.  I also love the commercialized version of Christmas because it gives me a reason to put a gigantic tree in my house.  Most importantly, I love Christmas because of the “Home Alone” movies.

Alas, I don’t like Christmas music.  Call me a Grinch, call me a Scrooge.  However, if that means I don’t have to listen to another Michael Buble song about snow, I’m down with that.

*None of this rant applies to *NSYNC’s Christmas album, “O Holy Night,” 98 Degrees’ “This Gift,” or Run DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis.”  You should listen to those songs every day.

13 thoughts on “My Confession

  1. N Sync’s Christmas album is my fave – no wonder we get along so well. Our Christmas rap will be amazing, I have a ton of ideas.

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Holler

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