It’s time to talk wrestling.
Not that silly mess they do in high schools, colleges, and the Olympics. Real wrestling. The good stuff.
Like any ’80s kid who wasn’t deprived, I grew up on WWF and WCW wrestling. My first experience with this noble art form was on a special night in 1982. First, it was deep in the barrio in Texas. Second, I wasn’t even born yet. My mom was seven months pregnant. Third, it was Christmas Eve. Thankfully, my parents had their priorities right and thought that was the perfect time to go to a semi-pro wrestling event. Despite my tiny limbs and feeble motor skills, I had my own personal royal rumble in my mom’s womb that night and she feared I was going to burst out of that dark and wet prison. Although I wasn’t born that night, my love for wrestling was.
Yes, it’s terribly cheesy and supposedly fake, but wrestling is an important part of my history. I grew up watching it with my dad and grandad. I spent hundreds, if not thousands, of hours playing wrestling video games with my friends. As an only child, I spent an equal amount of time having imaginary wrestling matches with myself. I usually won. In high school, a bunch of dudes would come over to my house for big pay-per-view events (one kid still owes me $5 from 1999…deadbeat). We’d have a great time watching our heroes while doing ill-advised moves on each other between matches. More “recently,” Amanda and I spent our first anniversary at WWE’s Monday Night Raw. I am terribly proud and terribly ashamed of that fact.
After decades of wrestling experience and two minutes of thought, here is the official list of the best five wrasslers ever.
Honorable Mention: The Rock. Hulk Hogan. Goldberg. Sable.
5. Stone Cold Steve Austin — Sike. Austin sucked. Total fraud. He’ll always be the “Big Blonde Machine.”
(Steve, if you are reading this, I’m kidding. You don’t suck. PS – Why does one of the “Hollywood Blondes” have brown hair?)
The Real Top Five…
5. The Ultimate Warrior — This guy taught us that you can succeed in life even if you don’t have a ton of talent. All you have to do is be a little nuts. This dude’s energy was amazing. Thus, I proudly rock his shirt. A lot.
4. Tatanka — I was obsessed with Native American culture when I was ten years old. Thus, I loved Tatanka. A lot. His red mohawk was sick. If someone ever asks me whether I had solo wrestling matches that involved a Native American headress I owned, I will have to awkwardly walk away.
3. The Million Dollar Man — This dude had swag. He was the original baller. Plus, he came to my high school in 2000. And talked about Jesus.
2. Shawn Michaels — I’ve read three books over the past seven years. One of them was a Shawn Michaels autobiography. I also saw him on a plane once. He was wearing a cowboy hat, as one should on an airplane. Most importantly, Shawn Michaels has the greatest theme song of any wrestler in history. Arguably, “Sexy Boy” is the greatest song in history. Anyone who sings the lyric “I’m just a sexy boy, I’m not your boy toy” AND wears spandex pants is a hero.
1. Bret “The Hitman” Hart — Other than Shania Twain and Justin Bieber, Canada isn’t very cool. Wait, NEVERMIND. BRET HART IS FROM CANADA. That makes Canada the coolest country ever. (Sorry, America.) Unsurprisingly, my favorite wrestler wore pink. He also had the illest outfits, the best technique, and the baddest finishing move. I’ve put so many dudes in the Sharpshooter over the years that I’m on TSA’s no-fly list. My wife may have been accidentaly put in it a few times too. If you don’t think that Bret Hart is the best wrestler, and maybe the best person, ever, you’re wrong.